Let's Get Real

The other day, a little girl from Grace’s class, knowing that she is adopted, asked me who her “real” mother is. I have been asked this question many times from adults as well. Last night I watched the movie “Elf” for the first time. Will Ferrell is a human who is raised by an elf dad. He’s so big he doesn’t fit in with the elf world, so when he’s 30, he leaves the North Pole in search of his “real” dad. (They used that word too.) The opposite of real is fake, so did that make his adopted elf dad who loves him and raised him his "fake" dad, and does that make me Grace and Khomer’s fake mom?

To me, a real mom drives you to soccer practice, soccer games, doctor’s appointments, school, and play dates.

A real mom holds your hand through the bars of your hospital crib, as you cry and bleed post surgery.
A real mom watches and praises you after you say, “Mom, watch this!” and jump into the pool for the 10^th time in 2 minutes.
A real mom sits in the vice-principal’s office at the very building where she is also a teacher, and listens to what you did to get into trouble that day.
A real mom dries your tears and kisses your boo boos.
A real mom cleans herself up after you sneeze or vomit on her.
A real mom cries tears of joy listening to you read for the first time.
A real mom makes sure you get your homework done each night and helps you study for tests.
A real mom makes sure you take your vitamins, your medication twice a day, and gives you daily injections.
A real mom has to hold you down while you scream in agony while a doctor ultrasounds your infection.
A real mom stops her car at a rural gas station and uses baby wipes to clean up your poop explosion.
A real mom tells you no, even though she knows that it will make her the “meanest mom in the world.”  
A real mom prepares and cleans up after breakfast, lunch, and dinner and tries to hide her anger and disappointment when you turn up your nose at something she’s cooked.
A real mom gets to witness you hearing sounds for the first time after being fitted for hearing aids.
A real mom bursts into tears at just the very sight of your beautiful sleeping face.
A real mom knows you will someday want to know more about your biological parents, may even wish you weren’t adopted sometimes, and has to accept that.

Some day both of my children who are adopted will want to know about their biological parents. That information and history is there’s to know, and it is not an adoptive parent’s place to share that with anyone else. They can later choose to share it with others or to keep it private.

So when the little girl asked me who Grace’s real mom was, I told her very kindly and gently that I was her real mom because I am the one who is raising her, but that her biological or birth mom lived in Russia and wasn’t able to take care of her. I told her that God knew that I could, so he made her mine, just as he made Khomer mine.

I didn't have two of my three children the conventional way, and I don't expect everyone to be familiar and comfortable with adoption. But blended families with step-parents and adoption are very prevalent in today’s society. So we should choose our words carefully and teach children that the words “real mom” or "real dad" are hurtful. Being a mom to all three of my children couldn’t possibly feel any more real to me. Just ask me at about any given point of my day...during the good times and the bad. J

Thanks for reading...Gotta run!

The "A" word

Abortion. Is there a topic in this country that is more polarizing...that splits people into two sides, causes more heated debate? A lot has been said this week about how many candidates lost elections this voting season due to their stance on abortion, or the extreme words they used to convey their opinions on it. Millions upon millions of dollars have been spent by various organizations and people to try to elect pro-life or anti-abortion candidates for many years. People's lives have even been lost in bombings of clinics. But nearly 40 years later, Roe vs. Wade is still the law of the land. Likewise, millions upon millions of dollars have been spent trying to elect pro-choice candidates.

So my question is this...Wouldn't all that effort and money have been better spent on contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancies, to help mothers and children in crisis, to help children in foster care? Many people say they are pro-life, but do nothing to help the mothers or children who come into the world and need assistance. Raising a child (even when you are married and financially secure) is the hardest job on the earth, in my opinion. When you are single and financially strapped, I know it has to be a million times more challenging.

I have looked into the eyes of orphaned children here in the US, in Russia, in Africa, and in the Philippines. We tried to adopt through the Missouri foster care system. I have read horrifying files of children who have been abused and neglected, born to parents in crisis. I have been blessed to be able to adopt two beautiful children, one who was given up at birth, and the other at five days old, most likely abandoned because of extreme poverty. Both birth mothers were young and had many children before mine. Am I happy my children were brought into this world? Absolutely! But for every child who is adopted, there are a thousand children suffering around the world, who are waiting for someone to care and love for them, who have no hope for a successful future, who will probably repeat the cycle of poverty and unprepared parenting. Even children who are lucky enough to be adopted often have a lifetime of academic, social, and emotional issues.

I believe in a woman's right to choose. So I guess that makes me 'pro-choice'. But I have a problem with that label, because I care about what happens to a child after it is born. So I think that makes me pro-life too. It seems to me, that if you call yourself 'pro-life', then you should care about a human's entire life, not just while in the womb.

Missing

When you adopt a child, rather than give birth to them, there is a lot you miss out on before they are placed in your arms. If you adopt a child at birth, then you miss out on the pregnancy stage and the incredible miracle of a growing and developing a baby in utero. When you adopt children internationally, like we have, they are typically a bit older and you miss out on a whole lot of milestones and firsts. Grace was eleven months old, so she already had a couple of teeth, was crawling, babbling and cruising by the time she came into our lives. But, we still got to experience her first words, her first steps, and all of the other milestones that go along with being a toddler.

But what about when you adopt a much older child? Khomer was ten years old when he became ours. We missed a whole decade of his life. We could choose to be sad about that, and feel sorry for him or ourselves. But instead, I have found so much enjoyment in watching him experience things for the first time. His first time seeing hail, going to a baseball game, and eating new foods. His first soccer game, watching him learn to dive into the swimming pool, and how to read new words. The list could go on and on, and expands each and every day.

We found out after we brought him home, through a routine hearing test at the pediatrician's office, that he has some hearing loss. Follow up visits with an audiologist confirmed that he has moderate loss in the upper ranges in both ears. Yesterday, he was fitted for his hearing aids. I was able to witness him hear the bubbles in the fish tank, my whispers, and someone talk in another room for the first time. It was really incredible.

Every night at dinner, we all share one rose, and one thorn. The rose is something good that happened to you that day, and the thorn is something bad. It is a great way to stimulate conversation, focus on the positive, but also talk about how to problem solve when things aren't perfect. Every night, Khomer has a rose. Every night, Khomer does not have a thorn to share, no matter how much I prompt him. He his happy and grateful for everything. I wish everyone could be as happy and content with life as Khomer.

He never even knew what he was missing before he got his hearing aids yesterday. I find myself feeling the same way about this beautiful, sweet, loving little boy. I never even knew what was missing in our lives before he came into it.

How is Khomer doing?

“How is Khomer doing?” is the number one question I have been asked the past three weeks. Right before, “How do you say it?” (like Comb-er) and “Are you ready for school to start?” (YES!!!) So I thought I would give a quick update.

In a word, he is doing GREAT. He is as happy and as full of life as he seems in the photos I post on Facebook. We’ve yet to see him angry, upset, sad, anything besides happy. I assume those emotions will surface as he feels more and more comfortable with us and the “honeymoon” phase is over. But all in all, he is a really happy-go-lucky boy. He loves to laugh and have fun. He is full of LOTS of energy, so he fits in perfectly with our other two kiddos.

And speaking of them…Jared and Grace have been wonderful with him. Jared especially has been very patient in teaching him (or bossing him, he is the oldest child, you know…We are bossy for a reason.) various things about life in America and in our family. They have had no problem sharing our attention, and proudly introduce him to everyone we meet as their new brother.  Most adoption agencies will not allow you to adopt out of birth order, but Grace has handled the fact that she is still the youngest and has TWO older brothers with complete grace and ease. We really knew she would, and are very proud that she lived up to it.

Khomer is still following me everywhere around the house, which is so sweet, but can also be annoying too. I move around like a whirlwind most of the day, and to have someone inches away from me when I am not used to it is sometimes difficult, and dangerous. I have to sometimes tell him to go find something to do while I clean, straighten up, whatever. If I get up from the couch he’ll ask me where I am going. (to the bathroom Khomer!) or when I leave he’ll ask me when I am returning. (In two hours, Dad!) Sometimes I go to my room and read for a while just to get a break. But I know he’s looking for reassurance, and if that is the worst of our problems, then we are living on Easy Street.

We start school on Tuesday, so I anticipate some bumps along the road. His conversational English is excellent, but our school district and school have really high standards, and his world knowledge is completely different.  Luckily, I teach in the mornings in the same building, and he and Grace are in the same hallway. He also had a couple of weeks of tutoring from his amazing teacher, Joni Corcoran, before school, so all of those things should help ease the transition. But he will have to work very, very hard this year. I hope he's up for the challenge.

It is an incredible feeling to have this new little person call me mom, run up and hug me when I've been away, and sneak up and kiss me on the cheek. It is wonderful to see his eyes light up as I tuck him into bed each night, kiss him on the forehead, and tell him goodnight, and that I love him. It is what every child deserves in life. He waited ten years and two months for that, and I am so honored and blessed to be the one that gets to do it.

Thanks for reading…Gotta run!

Time to go home, already!

Yesterday we left Samaritan's Place and traveled to downtown Manila. The area where we are staying is the financial district of the country, so it has gorgeous hotels and lots of shopping and restaurants within walking distance. We bought some beautiful souveniers for the house, swam in the pool, and took Khomer to see the new Spiderman movie. I finally got a sound night of sleep and ran on the treadmill this morning, so I felt like a human and not a caffinated zombie. We had our appointment with the government today and received all of our paperwork so that we can travel home with Khomer. We have to wait a minimum of 6 months before we can adopt him in the US, and do four post placement reports. That is where a caseworker comes to the house and interviews us all to see how things are going for us all. So while he won't have our last name legally for a while, he is ours in every other way. This afternoon we went on a driving tour of Manila and got to see the WW II American Cemetary and Memorial. It was so sad to see how many Americans and Filipinos died here. You hear the numbers, but when you see each name engraved on wall after wall it becomes more tangible. We also toured Fort Santiago, an old fort originally built by the Spaniards centuries ago, and used by the Japanese to hold, torture, and execute soldiers. I love history, and it was wonderful to see and experience so much of the Philippine culture while we were here this week. Khomer gets carsick and very sleepy on long trips, so I got to snuggle him in my lap for a long time, which made me so happy and is important to the bonding process. He is a very affectionate child, so I will gladly love on him any opportunity I get. We have to leave the hotel at 4 am tomorrow morning to make the long journey home. It has been the experience of a lifetime to be here with the warm, generous, kind people of the Philippines. Khomer should always be proud of his heritage. I know I feel that pride for him after being here. Many people comment to us about how lucky Grace and Khomer are to have been adopted. I always say that we are the lucky ones. We get to love these beautiful children who teach us as much about life and love as we teach them. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us, sent encouraging words, and donated money to help his orphanage. And in case you were wondering, yes, I am already working on Scott to come back here someday so that Grace can have a sister. :) Thanks for reading...Gotta run!

Saying goodbye

It is 1:37 AM. UGH! This time change is killing me. We are ahead by 13 hours, so you'd think my body would just flip flop and I would sleep fine. Instead I am wide awake and happy during the day and wide awake and miserable at night. I have traveled to Russia and Africa and not had problems like this, but I have more trouble sleeping the older I get. I also haven't been running, and that gets my body out of whack too. The good news is that it should make the transition easier when we get home this weekend. At least it gives me time to blog when it is quiet and there are no disturbances. Yesterday was a quieter day. We went to a national park and saw a volcano. To be honest with you, I forget the name and I am afraid I'll lose what I typed if I try to look it up. But it was very pretty and it was nice to see some more of the island. We had some pizza for lunch and spent the afternoon goofing around at SP. I spent some time working with Khomer to see where he is academically. His English is excellent, but I can tell he is going to be behind in math. But he is a bright boy and a hard worker, and I think he will work to his fullest potential, whatever that might be, so what else can you ask of a child? We had a typical Filipino dinner in "Unit One" which is the apartment that Khomer has lived in for the past four years with his houseparents "Papa" Joe and "Mama" Gena. This incredible Filipino couple live here with their three biological children and a rotating mix of orphaned children. Right now, there are 4 boys and 2 girls besides Khomer, all aged 2-12. The older children all attend public school and Joe and Gina act as their parents all of the other hours of the day. There is a wall at SP with the children who have been adopted the last 10 years, and they stood last night and told the name of each child, shared stories about them, and told where they live now...USA, Canada, Finland, Norway. They are around the same age as Scott and I, yet they have helped parent many children already. Talk about being the hands and feet of Jesus. We were both humbled and inspired to spend time with them. After dinner, we had a devotion time and "despedia" ceremony. Everyone at SP came,and Khomer's closest friends and his house mom all got up and said some words about Khomer and wished him good luck. Talk about a tear jerker. I went into the "ugly cry" as Gena spoke about being his mom for the last four years. They had us get up and speak, presented us with his life book or scrapbook of his years here at SP, and shared a video montage. Then they gathered around us and said a prayer. We ended the night with some ice cream treats and everyone said goodbye to Khomer and to us, as we are leaving for downtown Manila this morning. In Manila, we will stay at a hotel for two nights. It has a pool, so we'll do some swimming and some souvenier shopping in the local market. Tomorrow is our appointment with the government adoption board. They will quiz us all on how things are going, and hopefully send us on our merry way home. Please join me in praying for Khomer during the upcoming months as he transitions to a whole new life with us. It will be exciting, happy, scary, fun, and sad for him all at the same time. Probably all of those for all of us as well. Thanks for reading...Gotta SLEEP! (hopefully) :)

Top 5 Kind of Day

While I could never rank them in order, yesterday has to go down as one of the best days of my life. It's hard to know which parts to even share. It is a good thing I'm typing this on the iPad, or else I might write a novel! We started the day with being reunited with Khomer after a year apart. It went as I expected. I cried, we gave him big hugs, and then it was sort of awkward. No Hallmark movie running into each others arms moment or anything. He was quiet and unsure of himself, but I knew from last summer to be patient and he would open up to us. And he did. We took a tour of this beautiful facility, Samaritan's Place. It is absolutely gorgeous and the people who work here are so warm and friendly. I've often thought that my purpose in life goes beyond simply teaching children and being involved in orphan work. So Scott and my wheels are spinning. After breakfast, we participated in the morning staff devotion time. It was great to sing some familiar praise songs and have time to pray and reflect. We collected $2,100 from family and friends to buy items for their pantry, so we went on a big shopping trip. Dori, who is in charge of this area, came prepared with a list. If you saw my picture yesterday, you know that we filled up five grocery carts with food, diapers, formula, toiletries, and cleaning supplies. Enough to last them six months! We will go today to buy bags of rice from the market. It meant so much to all of them, and to us too, so thank you! The workers from SP then left us at the mall with Khomer to do some shopping. We ate lunch at a fast food restaurant called Busibee. I didn't know it was possible to make bad spaghetti, but it is. :) We then went shopping to buy Khomer some clothes, and he held our hands the whole time. A lot of times, he got in between us and held both of our hands. Jared is only 18 months older and hasn't held my hand in years, so it was such an unexpected and sweet surprise. When one of the clerks was helping us, she said, "Are you his mommy?" I replied yes, and she commented on how we don't have the same skin color. And so it begins. I just sweetly smiled and said, "No, we sure don't." :) We then went and bought a 42 inch TV and surround sound system to donate. They have movie night on Fridays and were all gathered around a small TV, so we know it is something they will all enjoy. They will also us it to Skype with adoptive families around the world. The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Uno, talking, and goofing around at SP. For dinner, they arranged for us to eat with Khomer's caseworker, Dulce, and his house parents, Joe and Gina. It was great to be able to ask them lots of questions about Khomer's health, schooling, and personality. It was such valuable information that we could never gleen from just reading his file. Today we will do some sightseeing and souvenier shopping...and of course we will spend more time bonding with Khomer. He is such a fun, loving, and sweet boy. We are already blessed beyond measure to call him ours. Thanks for reading...Gotta run!