Because We Could

 

My family and I went to see a documentary called “Stuck” about international adoption several months ago. As we sat in the theater, waiting for the movie to start, Khomer turned to me and said, “Why did you adopt me?” Like most big questions that your children ask you and you are not really prepared to answer, I gave him an answer that wasn’t very eloquent. If I had the chance to reword my response to him now, it would sound much better. But I told him that his dad and I love being parents very much. I told him that we wanted Jared and Grace to have another sibling. I said that we knew we didn’t want a baby that requires diaper changing and sleepless nights, so we decided to adopt an older child. Khomer then very wisely chimed in that a baby would have to go to a babysitter while we were both at work. The movie’s opening credits began rolling so our conversation was cut off. I hope we will continue it again someday when he is ready.  

While my response was true, the more accurate and easiest answer as to why we adopted him is “Because we could.” We can afford to give another child a home. There is enough love and room in our hearts to be another child’s mommy and daddy. We have access to the medical care a child needs to be healthy. Our schools lovingly guide them, teach them, and meet all of their educational needs. We have the right attitude to parent an orphaned child that might come to us with issues both large and small. Our extended family loves and supports us and our children. But are we special? Are we unique? I say NO. If a parentless child showed up on your doorstep hungry for both food and love, would you take them into your house? Would you feed them, bathe them, give them a warm, comfortable place to sleep? Of course you would. The only difference is that adoptive families endure the mountains of paperwork, background checks, and interviews usually not even knowing ahead of time exactly which parentless child it will be…or when it will be. Through the miracle of adoption, the child becomes one of their own, forever.

I am in no way saying that just because we chose to adopt that everyone should. But there are millions of people who could give an orphaned child a beautiful life with a loving family whether they are a ‘traditional’ two parent family, a gay couple, or a single parent…whether they already have grown children,  are currently raising a family, or are childless. I challenge you…Are you one of them? What is holding you back? Is it fear? Is it the finances? If it’s either of those, PLEASE talk to me. I can talk you through the fear part. If it’s the finances, Scott and I really want to start an adoption foundation to help deserving people with adoption financial assistance, but we are unsure where to even begin the process. Maybe you can be our inspiration to get it off the ground and running and our first recipient.  Maybe, just maybe, someday your son or daughter will look up at you and ask with curiosity, “Why did you adopt me?”  You can fumble through your own answer to them, but in the back of your mind think, “Because I could.”

Adoption Finalization Day September 18th, 2013

To My Mom, With Love

Last year for Father’s Day, I wrote a blog post about how my dad adopted me when I was three years old. It’s called “How I Met My Father” (June 2012) if you want to read it. I thought it only fair that I should write one about my mom this year for Mother’s Day. 

My mom didn’t plan to have me. She was 25 and unmarried. My birth father was 27 and didn’t want any part of being a dad. He made that clear from the start, so I’ve never met him. My mom made the difficult and brave choice to raise me on her own. It is never easy to be a single parent. But this was in the early 1970’s. Being a single mom was much less accepted than it is today, which had to make it even more difficult.

She lived three hours away from her family, and was essentially alone, except for a few good friends.  She endured the pregnancy, delivery, and sleepless nights all by herself. She had difficulty finding and keeping reliable and trustworthy daycare for me. We were once both so sick with the flu and had such high fevers that we slept together in bed for days. She wasn’t sure if we were both going to make it. We lived paycheck to paycheck. In a nutshell: It wasn’t easy. She made the best life she could for just the two of us.

Everything changed when she met my future dad on a blind date when I was two years old. They married a few months later; just a week after my third birthday. Dad adopted me immediately. She now had a loving spouse for herself and a partner to help her raise me. They wanted another child, and she gave birth to my sister a few days shy of their one year anniversary. She was able to be a stay-at-home mom.  My sister and I couldn’t have asked for a better childhood filled with love and stability.

In my adult life, I have never had to endure anything close to what my mom did my first few years of life. I can’t even fathom being a parent alone, or what it is like to live paycheck to paycheck. I can’t even relate to what it is like to have those types of worries. I am blessed...and very spoiled.

Mom…I am so grateful to you for giving me life, for being so brave, and for not ever making me feel like I was a mistake or a burden, but rather an unexpected and wonderful gift.

I love you! Happy Mother’s Day.

I love you

For the past eight months, I have tucked our new ten year old son into bed nearly every night. I talk to him, tickle him, straighten his blankets up, give him a kiss or two on the forehead or cheek, tell him goodnight, and that I love him. Every night, he giggles, squirms, acts like he doesn’t want a kiss, asks me questions, tells me stories, and tells me goodnight. But he does not say I love you back. Although during the day he follows me all over the house, asks Scott ten times when I will be home when I am gone, and looks at me with these huge adoring brown eyes, he never repeats the words “I love you” back. But that’s OK, because if he said it the first days he became ours, it wouldn’t mean as much to me. It wouldn’t be as special. He is ten after all. He was an orphan his whole life until he became ours. He’s still adjusting to what it means to have a mom, dad, brother, and sister of his own…a forever family.

Then tonight it happened. I straightened his blankets, kissed his adorable little face, and said, “Good night. I love you.” I walked to the door, and just as I started to close it, a little soft voice said, “I love YOU.” I barely heard it and didn’t see him say it. But I heard it. Just a whisper. But that little whisper that I’ve been waiting eight months to hear means more to me than if he told me the first week we brought him home or if he had shouted it from the rooftops.

When we couldn’t have any more children biologically after my first son was born, I truly felt God began to put adoption into my heart. There were no burning bushes, parting of the seas, or loud booming voices telling me to adopt. But there were definitely little nudges, whispers if you will. I am so glad that I listened to those “whispers” ten years ago, as they led to that beautiful three word whisper I was blessed  to hear tonight.

 

Let's Get Real

The other day, a little girl from Grace’s class, knowing that she is adopted, asked me who her “real” mother is. I have been asked this question many times from adults as well. Last night I watched the movie “Elf” for the first time. Will Ferrell is a human who is raised by an elf dad. He’s so big he doesn’t fit in with the elf world, so when he’s 30, he leaves the North Pole in search of his “real” dad. (They used that word too.) The opposite of real is fake, so did that make his adopted elf dad who loves him and raised him his "fake" dad, and does that make me Grace and Khomer’s fake mom?

To me, a real mom drives you to soccer practice, soccer games, doctor’s appointments, school, and play dates.

A real mom holds your hand through the bars of your hospital crib, as you cry and bleed post surgery.
A real mom watches and praises you after you say, “Mom, watch this!” and jump into the pool for the 10^th time in 2 minutes.
A real mom sits in the vice-principal’s office at the very building where she is also a teacher, and listens to what you did to get into trouble that day.
A real mom dries your tears and kisses your boo boos.
A real mom cleans herself up after you sneeze or vomit on her.
A real mom cries tears of joy listening to you read for the first time.
A real mom makes sure you get your homework done each night and helps you study for tests.
A real mom makes sure you take your vitamins, your medication twice a day, and gives you daily injections.
A real mom has to hold you down while you scream in agony while a doctor ultrasounds your infection.
A real mom stops her car at a rural gas station and uses baby wipes to clean up your poop explosion.
A real mom tells you no, even though she knows that it will make her the “meanest mom in the world.”  
A real mom prepares and cleans up after breakfast, lunch, and dinner and tries to hide her anger and disappointment when you turn up your nose at something she’s cooked.
A real mom gets to witness you hearing sounds for the first time after being fitted for hearing aids.
A real mom bursts into tears at just the very sight of your beautiful sleeping face.
A real mom knows you will someday want to know more about your biological parents, may even wish you weren’t adopted sometimes, and has to accept that.

Some day both of my children who are adopted will want to know about their biological parents. That information and history is there’s to know, and it is not an adoptive parent’s place to share that with anyone else. They can later choose to share it with others or to keep it private.

So when the little girl asked me who Grace’s real mom was, I told her very kindly and gently that I was her real mom because I am the one who is raising her, but that her biological or birth mom lived in Russia and wasn’t able to take care of her. I told her that God knew that I could, so he made her mine, just as he made Khomer mine.

I didn't have two of my three children the conventional way, and I don't expect everyone to be familiar and comfortable with adoption. But blended families with step-parents and adoption are very prevalent in today’s society. So we should choose our words carefully and teach children that the words “real mom” or "real dad" are hurtful. Being a mom to all three of my children couldn’t possibly feel any more real to me. Just ask me at about any given point of my day...during the good times and the bad. J

Thanks for reading...Gotta run!

The "A" word

Abortion. Is there a topic in this country that is more polarizing...that splits people into two sides, causes more heated debate? A lot has been said this week about how many candidates lost elections this voting season due to their stance on abortion, or the extreme words they used to convey their opinions on it. Millions upon millions of dollars have been spent by various organizations and people to try to elect pro-life or anti-abortion candidates for many years. People's lives have even been lost in bombings of clinics. But nearly 40 years later, Roe vs. Wade is still the law of the land. Likewise, millions upon millions of dollars have been spent trying to elect pro-choice candidates.

So my question is this...Wouldn't all that effort and money have been better spent on contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancies, to help mothers and children in crisis, to help children in foster care? Many people say they are pro-life, but do nothing to help the mothers or children who come into the world and need assistance. Raising a child (even when you are married and financially secure) is the hardest job on the earth, in my opinion. When you are single and financially strapped, I know it has to be a million times more challenging.

I have looked into the eyes of orphaned children here in the US, in Russia, in Africa, and in the Philippines. We tried to adopt through the Missouri foster care system. I have read horrifying files of children who have been abused and neglected, born to parents in crisis. I have been blessed to be able to adopt two beautiful children, one who was given up at birth, and the other at five days old, most likely abandoned because of extreme poverty. Both birth mothers were young and had many children before mine. Am I happy my children were brought into this world? Absolutely! But for every child who is adopted, there are a thousand children suffering around the world, who are waiting for someone to care and love for them, who have no hope for a successful future, who will probably repeat the cycle of poverty and unprepared parenting. Even children who are lucky enough to be adopted often have a lifetime of academic, social, and emotional issues.

I believe in a woman's right to choose. So I guess that makes me 'pro-choice'. But I have a problem with that label, because I care about what happens to a child after it is born. So I think that makes me pro-life too. It seems to me, that if you call yourself 'pro-life', then you should care about a human's entire life, not just while in the womb.

Missing

When you adopt a child, rather than give birth to them, there is a lot you miss out on before they are placed in your arms. If you adopt a child at birth, then you miss out on the pregnancy stage and the incredible miracle of a growing and developing a baby in utero. When you adopt children internationally, like we have, they are typically a bit older and you miss out on a whole lot of milestones and firsts. Grace was eleven months old, so she already had a couple of teeth, was crawling, babbling and cruising by the time she came into our lives. But, we still got to experience her first words, her first steps, and all of the other milestones that go along with being a toddler.

But what about when you adopt a much older child? Khomer was ten years old when he became ours. We missed a whole decade of his life. We could choose to be sad about that, and feel sorry for him or ourselves. But instead, I have found so much enjoyment in watching him experience things for the first time. His first time seeing hail, going to a baseball game, and eating new foods. His first soccer game, watching him learn to dive into the swimming pool, and how to read new words. The list could go on and on, and expands each and every day.

We found out after we brought him home, through a routine hearing test at the pediatrician's office, that he has some hearing loss. Follow up visits with an audiologist confirmed that he has moderate loss in the upper ranges in both ears. Yesterday, he was fitted for his hearing aids. I was able to witness him hear the bubbles in the fish tank, my whispers, and someone talk in another room for the first time. It was really incredible.

Every night at dinner, we all share one rose, and one thorn. The rose is something good that happened to you that day, and the thorn is something bad. It is a great way to stimulate conversation, focus on the positive, but also talk about how to problem solve when things aren't perfect. Every night, Khomer has a rose. Every night, Khomer does not have a thorn to share, no matter how much I prompt him. He his happy and grateful for everything. I wish everyone could be as happy and content with life as Khomer.

He never even knew what he was missing before he got his hearing aids yesterday. I find myself feeling the same way about this beautiful, sweet, loving little boy. I never even knew what was missing in our lives before he came into it.

How is Khomer doing?

“How is Khomer doing?” is the number one question I have been asked the past three weeks. Right before, “How do you say it?” (like Comb-er) and “Are you ready for school to start?” (YES!!!) So I thought I would give a quick update.

In a word, he is doing GREAT. He is as happy and as full of life as he seems in the photos I post on Facebook. We’ve yet to see him angry, upset, sad, anything besides happy. I assume those emotions will surface as he feels more and more comfortable with us and the “honeymoon” phase is over. But all in all, he is a really happy-go-lucky boy. He loves to laugh and have fun. He is full of LOTS of energy, so he fits in perfectly with our other two kiddos.

And speaking of them…Jared and Grace have been wonderful with him. Jared especially has been very patient in teaching him (or bossing him, he is the oldest child, you know…We are bossy for a reason.) various things about life in America and in our family. They have had no problem sharing our attention, and proudly introduce him to everyone we meet as their new brother.  Most adoption agencies will not allow you to adopt out of birth order, but Grace has handled the fact that she is still the youngest and has TWO older brothers with complete grace and ease. We really knew she would, and are very proud that she lived up to it.

Khomer is still following me everywhere around the house, which is so sweet, but can also be annoying too. I move around like a whirlwind most of the day, and to have someone inches away from me when I am not used to it is sometimes difficult, and dangerous. I have to sometimes tell him to go find something to do while I clean, straighten up, whatever. If I get up from the couch he’ll ask me where I am going. (to the bathroom Khomer!) or when I leave he’ll ask me when I am returning. (In two hours, Dad!) Sometimes I go to my room and read for a while just to get a break. But I know he’s looking for reassurance, and if that is the worst of our problems, then we are living on Easy Street.

We start school on Tuesday, so I anticipate some bumps along the road. His conversational English is excellent, but our school district and school have really high standards, and his world knowledge is completely different.  Luckily, I teach in the mornings in the same building, and he and Grace are in the same hallway. He also had a couple of weeks of tutoring from his amazing teacher, Joni Corcoran, before school, so all of those things should help ease the transition. But he will have to work very, very hard this year. I hope he's up for the challenge.

It is an incredible feeling to have this new little person call me mom, run up and hug me when I've been away, and sneak up and kiss me on the cheek. It is wonderful to see his eyes light up as I tuck him into bed each night, kiss him on the forehead, and tell him goodnight, and that I love him. It is what every child deserves in life. He waited ten years and two months for that, and I am so honored and blessed to be the one that gets to do it.

Thanks for reading…Gotta run!